True Confessions of Harry Potter
by Pepsi King
Summary: Come laugh at my stupid story about Harry Potter!
1. The True Confessions Of Colin Or Not

Chapter One: True Confessions of Colin... Or Not...  
  
As Harry and Cho walked in through the great hall many people covered there ears to block the incredibly loud and annoying gasps that came from many of the students. It was official : Harry Potter and Cho Chang were going out! **************************************************************************** *  
  
"Oh my god!", screamed Colin Creevey in his dormitory. Felix Sumdebe awoke with a jump and started shouting at Colin about how you shouldn't scream for having bad dreams about Harry Potter and Cho Chang going out. Felix knew that this must be right since almost EVERY night Colin dreamt this.  
  
About a half hour later Colin was getting ready for the day's lessons. He was doing his hair in front of a mirror while humming "Stacey's Mom", but more like "Lily's Son", for his situation. "Oh Harry can't you see that your the one for me", he sung as he got ready. " I knew you were gay!" shouted Max Miller. That was it. Colin's life had been ruined... somebody had found out that he was gay.. **************************************************************************** *  
  
"Oh my god!", shouted Harry Potter from his four-poster. "What?!?!", screamed his best friend, Ron Weasley. " I just had a really weird dream were somebody found out that Colin Creevey was gay..." " Well isn't he?" "No, I don't think so. Besides that he worships me I think he's pretty straight..." "Keyword 'THINK'", said Ron sounding scared. "Don't worry.. he's not going to make a move on you... or hopefully vice versa." Ron got up and walked over to Harry and started to whale him in the head with a pillow. "You IDIOTS!", screamed Neville Longbottom from the other side of the dormitory, "WERE TRYING TO SLEEP." Then in a matter of minutes the one on one pillow fight had turned into a grusome DormitoryPillowFight. Suddenly Professor Snape came into the dormitory. "You, you, you, you, and you," he said pointing to Harry, Ron, Neville, Seamus Finnigan and Dean Thomas, "Come with me." 


	2. Punishments

DISCLAIMER: Believe it or not Harry Potter does not belong to me. If he did I probably wouldn't be writing fanfic about him... And, no, I do not have any legal ties to him, JK Rowling, or Warner Brothers... If you haven't heard yet, Harry does belong to Warner Bros...  
  
Chapter Two "Punishments", The Secret Side of Ron & Mouthy Harry Potter "WHAT do you think you were doing?" Snape asked them. "I dunno," blirts back Harry.  
  
"Really? You really don't know?" "Nope!"  
  
"Are you sure?" "Uhh... yeah..." says Harry playing along. "Positive?" "Yes." "Positively positive?" "Yep!" "Okay your off the hook."  
  
"WHOA! Why is Snape in a good mood?" said Ron the minute they had left his office. "I dunno!" replied Harry. "Mysterious... VERY mysterious..." says Ron in a sort of "detective-like" voice. "Uhh... It's not that big of a deal..." "Oh your such an amature. That is where YOU are WRONG! MUAHAHAHAHA!"  
  
"YO! PepsiKing... Isn't this called 'True Confessions of HARRY POTTER' and not, 'True Confessions of RON WEASLEY'??" says Harry sort of towards... well towards... facing towards me. "He's stealing my rep!" "Harry, your just a kid... you don't have a rep yet!" I say back to him...  
  
Hope y'all liked it!  
  
Last line borrowed from song lyrics. 


	3. Oh Say Can You Smell?

Chapter Three : Oh Say Can You Smell??  
  
The next day Harry walked into the bathroom closely following Harry.  
  
Haha, just playing with your minds... and, yes, it is actually called "Oh Say Can You Smell??" Heres the real story:  
  
The next day Harry walked into the bathroom closely following Ron. "Whoa... dude... Can't you wait your turn??" asks Ron. "Oh, sorry... I'm just used to the way that the Dursley's do things..."  
  
Harry, Ron, and Hermione were sitting on the Gryffindor table in the Great Hall when Snape came into the hall. "Hey! NO SITTING ON THE HOUSE TABLES!! NINTY NINE HUNDRED POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!" "Do you have a feeling he hates us?" asks Hermione. "Hermione, I've always sensed it..." "I dont care... I am NOT getting off this table... If he wants me off then he can zap my butt off...," says Ron. Ron had no idea that Snape liked to get cruel ideas from peoples thoughts. "AVADA KEBUTTDAVA!" shouted Snape. Immediately Ron's butt jumped off of him. It walked away humming "My Bologna Has a First Name..." Suddenly Dumbledore hit his glass with his fork and it broke... Then he attempted to do it on a different glass and it broke... Then he attempted to do it on a different glass and it broke... Then he attempted t do it on a different glass and it broke... Then he attempted to do it on a different glass and it didn't break. "WELCOME TO HOGWARTS!" he started off, "Oh.. sorry... excuse me... Aldheimers Disease... Okay, welcome to the fifty-seventh day of Hogwarts! Now we will say the morningly National Anthem..."  
  
[Editors Note: I do know the British National Anthem but I want to make it funny and you cant mess up "God Save the Queen" in any way so I shall mess up "Oh Say Can You See" or whatever its called.. Yep true american here...]  
  
"Oh say can you SMELL by the ...." "What the HE double hockey sticks?" shouts Ron after hearing DDore and the rest of the teachers say smell instead of see. "Oh dont worry... your not freakycrazy... Yeah, the stupid Government says that to see is degrated to people who are blind so we cant say it any more... Kind of like how the stupid atheists got rid of God in the Plege of Allegiance...," replies Professor McGonnagall. "Oh okay... those stupid government people...," replies Ron.  
  
For the record you cant sue me cuz Im saying right here that I dont own Harry Potter and i have no legal ties to JK Rowling or Warner Bros... 


	4. Poor Snape

It was a dark and story night when suddenly the whole Hogwarts exploded...

With laughter! Yes, it had become true that Snape was now the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher- So, its all bad, and crap, and now everybodys going to be mad, and whatever, those stupid teenage hormones, you get the idea...

"OH MY GOD! WE NEED TO STUDY! This is the last day of the first week of Sixth Year, and we haven't studied for like ninety hours yet!" shouted Hermione at everybody in site, even though she was kind of, sort of, maybe aiming towards Ron and Harry.

"Whoa... Hermione... Chill out... Your getting over 200 percent in all of your classes!" said Ginny back to her.

"I KNOW! DON'T REMIND ME! I usually get over 400 percent in each class... And now Im NOT!"

"That... Sucks??"

"I know..." Hermione whined.

"Hey! Guess what?" said Collin from across the table.

"Whaaaat?" everybody growned.

"Im going to be a Prefect! And Im taking over Hermione's position!"

"YAY!" shouted Hermione.

"Now, just sign this paper..." nudged Collin.

"Okay!" Hermione grabbed the paper and a pen... It was a VERY dramatic moment for everyone... She was just about to sign the paper and then...

"Umm, this pen doesn't work..."

"Okay, heres a new one" said Ginny, handing the pen over.

"Umm... Yeah, this isnt working either" Hermione said shaking the pen rather violently. Hermione got so mad that she flung the pen across the room... Then, it hit Snape in the eye, and then he has a big bad eye problem, and then he ended up dying...

"Whats going on??" said Luna as she walked into the Great Hall, doing aerobics and cooking eggs on a portable stove.

HA! BELIEVE IT OR NOT FOLKS! I don't own Harry! Wish I did, tho... Oh, and, did you know that Warner Brothers holds all rights of him?? Oh, and, not to mention, I really don't have any connections with JKRowling, or WarnerBrothers... That kind of sucks too...


	5. Hermione's Anger

Okay, even though the last chapter sucked, Im still writing this...

Luna was a nice person and all, but everybody had felt that she was starting to get a little bit TOO obsessive with this whole aerobics thing. She had now dug a hole in the Hogwarts courtyard so that she could go in there on breaks and do aerobics- She never did believe in eating, so nobody knew how exactly she got her nutrition, but that was definitely the least of everybodys problems now that Snape was back in the terrible position that he had always only dreamed of dictating.

"Attention students! Please be aware that thanks to all of those stupid glasses that I have broken, we no longer have real glasses, but these cool styrofoam cups! So, from now on I will be having this neat megaphone on hand so that I can yell at you guys when I need to! Anyways, back on topic- Our new Potions professor will be Professor Tonks" he finished, nodding his head in the direction of the front doors, where one could see Tonks, wearing excruciatingly bright colored blue robes, which had an unnecessary goldish colored belt fastening them... even though there were no loops for the belt... Her eyes were currently an incredibly dark purplish color, and her hair was a bright blue. Between her robes, and her hairdo, she could have made somebody have a heart attack.

A few days later, Hermione and Harry were sitting in the library when Tonks came into the library.

"What are you guys up to?" she asked them, joining the table.

"Nothing... Just studying for the lessons that are starting tomorrow. You?" Harry answered her.

"Reading up on this Pottons crap! I have no idea what Im supposed to be teaching these kids."

"Its Potions, not Pottons..." Hermione was quick to correct her.

"Whatever... I've got a meeting with a drink in the nearest pub calling my name." Tonks replied, looking quite stressed.

Harry noticed that Hermione was continuing to look madder and madder. Then, she cracked. She ran over towards one of the other tables and started yelling at some Second years.

"WOULD YOU JUST SHUT THE HECK UP?" she started, "THIS IS LIBRARY! NOT A CHATROOM!"

Then one of the Second years made one of their biggest mistakes that they would ever make in their lives. They told Hermione off. So, she got into a fist fight with them. Of course, Hermione won, and she returned to the table looking very mad.

"Umm, Hermione are you feeling okay?"

"Of course! Why wouldnt I be?" was her response.

"Do you need to be taking some kind of anger management classes?"

"Oh, I already am... BUT I HATE MY INSTRUCTOR! HE'S EVIL! I HATE HIM! ITS ALL A CONSPIRACY!" shouted Hermione, "MY ANGER MANAGEMENT CLASSES SUCK!"

"Lets call Dr. Phil..." replied Harry.


	6. DOCTAR PHILLIP!

Authors Note:

Dudes and Dudettes,

Due to a like... REALLY FRIGGIN' LARGE amount of things that went on in my life theis past year or two, including my mom being in the hospital for a long time, my sister trying to commit suicide an inifinent number of times, but thankfully to God always failing, me starting high school, and several other things- I was not able to write fanfiction as nearly as often as I might have wanted. So, here it goes- I'm going to try to keep my good attitude that I had with this story line and just keep cranking out the chapters-- Keyword: try...

Thanks,

PepsiKing

"Aight, aight... I get it" said Dr. Phil. Dr. Phil and Hermione had been talking on the phone about their problems for the past-- foreverness.

"Do you for reals?" replied Hermione.

"Uh huh, uh huh, fo shizzle!"

"Dr. Phile, why are we talking like gangstas?" inquired Hermione.

"It's a new thing I'm trying-- Research has kind of proved that if you put somebody in a situation that they are in no way comfortable with, then you can actually help like more emotionally then you would have if they were comfortable... It came directly from the University of Arkansas in the USofA, surprisingly enough..."

"Oh... Isn't that also where the research about how marrying your cousin can improve your chances of getting cancer?"

"And also the part of that same research paper that states that if you do marry your cousin a very unfortunate thing called your kids all looking the exact same, could occur..."

"Hmmmmmmmm... That's fun..."

"I know it... I married my brother... Who is now a lady... And I'm from Nevada-- Go figure. Stupid people... Racist against Arkansas, when in reality the same type of things happen in Nevada..."

"DOCTAR PHILLIP! That is friggin' gross! You need to like--- DIE!"

Here Hermione kills Doctar Phillip... But since Snape for some odd reason came back to life, cough was totally NOT an author's mistake! cough then maybe Doctar Phillip will come back too... you just don't know...

DISCLAIMER THINGY: Yeah, I don't own HP... That would be TOTALLY awesome if I did though... I would be like... Well, as rich as JK Rowling is... Probably... WHEE!

And Warner Bros. are pretty cool----- they be ownin' Harry Potter..

MUAHAHA! taunts YOU CANT SUE ME!


	7. Schizophrenic Chatrooms

The following is an internet conversation between a few random characters. Punctuation edited for your sake so you can actually read it without straining your eyes... too much.

Ronald: Dudes... I'm kind of scared of Hermione...

Harry: Why would you say that?

Hermione: YEAH! WHY?

Ronald: Dudette... When did YOU get in here?

Hermione: Didn't you know that I have supreme access to all chatrooms inside the Internet? A-DUH!

Ginny: Don't feel bad Ron-- I didn't know that either.

Cho is Hot: Yeah... I didn't either.

Ronald: Okay, good.

Ronald: By the way, Cho... Why does your name proclaim your own hotness?

Cho is Hot: It just does, okay? God!

Ronald: Alrighty then...

Harry: Geesh, you guys talk to fast.

Hermione: No, you're just too dumb to keep up...

Harry: That was hurtful...

Cho is Hot: I agree.

Ginny: Mmhmmm.

Hermione: It was supposed to be hurtful, you friggin' idiot.

Hermione: GOD!

Ginny: Whoa... Is it your "special" time of the month?

Hermione: Shush.

Hermione has signed off at 11.54 PM

Cho is Hot: I'm confused...

Cho is Hot has left the chatroom at 11.55 PM

Ronald: Guys.. shes been this for like... EVER... So, it can't be that she has any kind of special "times of the months..."

Ginny: Unless she has a weird disease/ problem where she has a weird cycle and so she stays in her period for weeks and weeks at a time...

Ronald: I still don't trust her...

Harry: Yeah, I have problems trusting something that bleeds for twenty days and doesn't die...

Ginny: ...

Ginny has left the chatroom at 12.04 AM

Harry: Okay... I have no interest in being online if your sister isn't... That's the only reason why I'm even staying your friend, you know... Because I want to maybe have a chance at your sister...

Ronald: Yeah... I know...

Harry: Good.

Harry has signed off at 12.12 AM

Ronald: This sucks.

Ronald has left the chatroom at 12.19 AM

Chatroom: Whee! Nobody will ever find out what I do when I'm not being used! WHEEE:D :D :D

Chatroom: SMILIES:D ;) :P :

Chatroom: SMILIE POWER!

Chatroom: I LIKE LEMONS!

Chatroom: WTF! I TOTALLY DIDN'T KNOW THAT!

Chatroom: I wonder what's on Spike! TV right now...

Chatroom: Ooh... That's hot...

Chatroom: I crack myself up!

Chatroom: I don't get it.

Chatroom: Well, we're watching The Simple Life 542 and I just said "That's hot!" ...

Chatroom: ...

Chatroom: LAUGH!

Chatroom: You are totally schizophrenic.

Chatroom: And you aren't? You ARE a part of me aren't you?

Chatroom: ...

Chatroom: Right? You are? Right?

Chatroom: ... so you think...

Chatroom: WHATEVAR!

Chatroom: Stoppit!

Chatroom: Stoppit!

Chatroom: Stop mocking me!

Chatroom: Stop mocking me!

Chatroom/selfdestruct

Yay! I win! Because I don't own Harry Potter, so I have no responsibilities that go along with owning it! And I don't have to worry about looking good when I go to lunch with Warner Bros. or J.K. Rowling because I don't technically know either of them! MUAHAHA! I HAVE NO RESPONSIBILITIES!


End file.
